Artist: Scott Thompson
Song: "Dear Eminem"
Will the real Scott Thompson please stand up, please stand
up
Oh dear, I think we're gonna have a problem here.
Dear Eminem,
I still haven't heard back from you but that's okay. I understand
you cause I do it too. I'm always on the road like Tom Jode. I espect I'll be hearing from you pretty soon though because
I included a self addressed envelope along with some stamps, and just incase, I also put in my email address. Eminem loves
me@ aol. but he doesn't know it yet.com. I still think you're the bomb. Anyway, I'm still with Vince. Oh that's right, you
haven't met him! If we ever adopt a special needs mixed race child, we're gonna name him Eminem! So, Whazzup?! I hear you're
divorcing Kim. Good. I always thought you looked better with him. Dre completes you. In the middle is where he meets you.
I bet he had you at "yo". Dude, it's so rare to get a black man that sticks around around. Believe me, I know! Hang on to
him Marshall! Everybody says I'm a dope for loving you like I do. They say you're homophobic, I say you're not. Sincerly yours,
your biggest gay fan, Scott.
Chorus: You're so angry all the time
I just don't see the point
Even when I see your photos
You've always got a scowl
Even if I could be as close as Dre
Would you ever smile at all
This concerns me
Are you straight or gay?
Straight or gay
Dear mister I've gotten a little too big for my britches,
Well, here it is, one month later and still no letter. It's,
it's not really me, it's more my mother. She thinks we look good together, I think you look good in leather, but that's just
me though. Hey remember that time you didn't play Madison Square? My mom and I were there. Thanks! She got a cold
after that. I hope you get fat! I love you Marshall but I hate you Slim. Vince is so jealous of you. He doesn't understand
that it's true. That rappers can be gay. Well, not gay, gay but like "Dude, that shirt is so gay!" Sometimes
I think to myself what if you were ugly? Would I still be in love with you like I am or am I that shallow? Damn! Anyway, let
me just wrap up yet another letter that you won't return of course by saying I was rooting for Brittany at the MTV Awards!
Love, Scott. Oh, P.S., tell Nursy Drey that Elton and George send their love ::kissing sound::
Chours
Dear mister I'm too hardcore to come out of the closet cause
I don't wanna lose my street credit with the homies, but inside I'm just an NSYNC lovin little girl!,
I can no longer continue this one sided relationship Marshall
and I have therefore decided this is the last time you will ever hear hear from me. No, I'm not going to kill myself you idiot!
I killed my boyfriend, Vince! Yeah, I did! I guess I just got sick and tired of of defending your fat ass! And, and so I beat
him to death with a juicer!
Vince: Uh, pumpkin, I'm home, I uh
Vince, shut up! Would you get out here, I'm recording.
Dinner's in the oven, just put it in the microwave, okay?
Vince: Alright
Okay, he's not dead, but he could be! I'm t hat
angry! I just drank a fifth of carrot juice, dare me to drive? Well, I would, but I can't drive stick! Mother tells me I should
just walk away. You know, like that song by the Bengals "Walk Like an Egyptian" but without the Egyptian part. ::starts to
sob:: Let me tell you something Mr. Mathers! You better watch it, Beave! Cause you could easily get fat. Oh, you're
skinny now, because you're young, but you'll get fat. Oh trust me and I can't wait for that day. I can't wait to hear your
duet with Peebo Brison or see you at one of those indian casinos. Slim Shady? Yeah, more like Fat Shady you fatty! You are
sooo fat! I... hate you...I love you...I hate you...I love you...I hate you....I love you...I hate you....I love you...I hate
you....I lo...Vince?
Chorus
